(This is a repeat from 7 years ago. I hope it is a help!)
I was sitting in on a counseling session being led by another pastoral counselor. He was trying to get the person he was counseling to forgive an individual who had hurt them in the past. To make his point he said, "you must drop the charges." I immediately saw in my mind a person standing before a judge and the judge saying, "I'm dropping the charges!" That is exactly what we all must do in order to forgive others. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we are condoning a wrong or pretending it never happened. It is simply making a decision to let it go. Someone has said that "refusing to forgive is like drinking poison and thinking it is hurting the other person." The other person has probably moved on and may not be even aware of you or your struggle. You need to forgive for you. Forgiveness is a decision that is made between a person and God. We make the decision and God gives the power or grace to truly be healed from the effects of holding on to an offense. There can be no healing and restoration until forgiveness is complete.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. Jesus told us to forgive. He would never ask us to do anything that He wasn't ready and empowered to do for us. Forgiveness is an action not a feeling. Once we act by forgiving very specifically, He releases within us His power of cleansing and healing. That means we need to get alone and verbally forgive with our thoughts and words everything that comes to mind about the person we need to forgive. Let it out! The stream may be difficult to start but it often turns into a torrent of emotions. There is a principle at work here. Romans 10:9-10 tells us that salvation comes as we do two things. First, we believe in our heart and secondly we confess with our mouth. This principle of God works in every area of life, not just for salvation. Make the decision to forgive. That is the hardest part. There is this subconscious thing that doesn't want to forgive because it doesn't want to release the person from responsibility. That subconscious decision keeps a person bound to the offender and the offense. Make the decision to forgive and verbally speak the specific offenses for which you are forgiving. You will be amazed at the results!
One last thing, forgiveness is present and progressive. While forgiveness is spiritually complete the moment it is confessed, it may take time to get completely free in your emotions. Because forgiveness is not a feeling, uprisings of feelings are common and does not mean a person has not forgiven. It usually takes time for painful memories to lose their sting. However, like peeling an onion, verbal forgiveness in an ongoing way will bring total healing in time.
If you find yourself still holding on to painful memories, remember they are sabotaging your tomorrow.
Take action this very moment and open the door on a fresh start.
