Riding Out The Storm

In a marriage things can start out in this beautiful sunshine of love and honor only to end up in a violent storm of anger and bitterness.  I am speaking in generalities here but most of the time a marriage has a time of conflict 24-36 months into the marriage.  Marriages that don't have this conflict have either learned to deal with confrontation in a healthy loving way or one of the marriage partners has simply suppressed their opinions and feelings and yielded to their mate.  Unfortunately, the latter often only delays the conflict by "kicking the can down the road".  When it does finally surface the problem can be even more dramatic. Why 24-36 months into a marriage?  Because it usually takes about this long to discover our differences, to try to handle them as best we can in our natural reasoning and conversation and many times come to a place of helplessness.  The is critical mass for a marriage.  This marriage is about to either rise from this painful place better than ever or end in disaster.  Often this is the time to seek a third party like a pastor or counselor to help us see a hope and plan for the future.  Yes, there is always a way out through God.  Any marriage can be saved "IF" both parties are willing to allow the Lord to deal with each one, with a common commitment to saving the marriage. The first thing that must be done in such cases is remove divorce as an option.  In our current culture divorce is as common in the church as it is in the world.  Perhaps this escapism mentality is one of the reasons that people find it so easy to walk away from the convenant community of the church as well.  

The rip cord called divorce is much easier to pull today than it was 50 years ago.  There is no stigma attached to it these days. We just add the phrase "irreconcilable differences" and away we go.  However, for the Christian, who has taken a vow before God and entered a Covenant, it shouldn't be so easy. Let me say at this point, I know there are times when there are innocent parties and divorce was forced upon some. I don't cast stones in those cases nor am I speaking of those situations.  However, far too many pull the rip cord far too soon.  I can't tell you the number people when I asked, "did you do everything in your power to save your marriage",  who told me, "not really!"  Removing the rip cord as an option improves the possibility of saving a marriage manifold.  What a joy it is to watch a marriage in crisis make it through the stormy waters of crisis and arrive at a port much better off than the original day of their wedding.  It is possible!

That was a long journey of words to arrive where I am about to take you.  The same process is possible in the Church, the covenant community, as well.  I have talked to people who have been in 3 or 4 churches in 5-6 years.  That is not covenant.  It speaks more of a problem in that believer than it does about the churches they left.  As in marriage, we need to deal with issues Biblically in our relationships and do all we can, make every effort, at salvaging relationships before we jump ship.  If you are struggling with conflict in your church or you know someone who may be at this moment, do all you can to be a peacemaker.  

Insulation - Part 2

In Search of the Gold!

Last week I addressed the inclination toward "insulation and isolation" as a believer.  The Church of the Lord Jesus is a wonderful family of believers.  As good as it is, it is still very much a family.  Like all families there are varying dynamics occurring within the family that is only seen and experienced "inside" the family.  In natural families we are shocked at times to learn that families that appeared from the outside looking in, to be a model, perfect family, were dysfunctional. Working with families in the church world I have come to the conclusion that all families are "dysfunctional"!  You might say, "wait a minute, my family isn't!"  One of the definitions of dysfunctional is: "not performing as expected".  I can tell you that on any given day, the most loving and committed families would be considered dysfunctional.  If we are truly honest all of us have had moments when we are glad our families lives weren't shown on a Reality Show! Confrontation is a normal part of relationship.  Actually, confrontation is a part of health and growth. The key is learning how to process confrontation, how to navigate the waters of confrontation and come out better and not bitter.  Every family has confrontation.  It happens in the home AND in the Church.  

In the Church we must learn that this confrontation often deals with idiosyncrasies.  Idiosyncrasy is described as peculiar or odd.  Of course they are peculiar or odd to the one who sees things from a differing point of view or perspective.  Maturity is coming to a place of allowing others and possibly even celebrating another person's "idiosyncrasy".  Some of the most brilliant minds in history were very odd people compared to their peers. Yet, we are very glad that some around them didn't drive them away.  All of us now enjoy many of their contributions.  We must learn to have confrontation without conflict.  

As leaders, one of the most critical aspects of Body Life within the Church is to get past confrontation and especially past conflict.  We must never allow past conflict to cripple us from dealing with future confrontation.  Again, confrontation is a healthy part of a developing family at home and in the Church.  Healthy confrontation is like mining out a gold nugget from a wall of mud and mire.  You will get dirty in the process. It takes a lot of work but understanding that we are working to the end of finding and enjoying the gold makes it a lot easier.  

Insulation

Many years ago I went to the Navy's basic and advanced electricity school as part of my training to be a radar man.  In working in electricity you have to remove the insulation from a wire before it can be connected to conduct electricity or power from the power source. Insulation keeps the connection from happening.  Of course the purpose of insulation is two fold.  First it keeps anything except the connection point from receiving the power and diverting the flow and it keeps folks from getting electrocuted!  In the Church world there has to be "connectivity" in order for the life of God to be demonstrated.  When it comes to relationships the insulation is not a plastic or rubber covering as on wire.  Human insulation is caused by repeated exposure to relational elements that caused a residue buildup thus hindering the flow of power.  I hope you got that!  Simply put, people get tired of the work and hurt of relationships and subconsciously develop an emotional insulation.  This doesn't happen quickly or after an incident or two.  However, years of traumatic experiences lead a person to "insulate and isolate".   Recently my lawn tractor wouldn't start.  I thought, "that battery isn't that old". A closer observation found that my battery connection cable had developed a clear coating that stopped the power flow.  Solution?  I simply took a tool, scraped the coating away exposing the bare metal and presto, it started!    

Are you feeling any conviction yet? :)  I didn't get this out of a book! I'm an offender in this department.  However, the good news is that there is life after cynicism!  Jesus is the only one who can sand away the shellac from your heart and get you reconnected so the power can flow in you and through you!  Yes, it is a little painful but surgery is painful.  Yet, there are times when surgery is just what the DOCTOR ordered!  

Sharing the Work

In my last Blog we discussed the need to move more away from Old Testament patterns of ministry which demonstrated leadership through one powerful leader to a New Testament pattern of TEAM which Jesus began demonstrating at the beginning of His ministry be choosing a team.  That group would follow him, learn under him and eventually do the work under his oversight.  The Old Testament in not entirely about the "one man show", there are also excellent examples of team ministry.  A prime example would be in what would become known as the "Jethro Principle."  This concept comes from the time when Moses was spending his days acting as a mediator between the people and as a counselor in daily matters of life.  Jethro, Moses' father in law told Moses after observing his daily routine, "the thing you are doing isn't good.  You will wear out yourself and the people."  Then he gave Moses the counsel to find men that he could set up over groups of people to do this daily task of counseling and caring for the people.  Then he told him the harder cases they can still come to you.  Listen to the words that gave clear direction to Moses as to where his focus should lie. In Exodus 16:19-20 Jethro tells Moses, "You should continue to be the people’s representative before God, bringing their disputes to him. 20Teach them God’s decrees, and give them his instructions. Show them how to conduct their lives."  Moses would still be involved in caring for the flock, living among them and still active in bringing their needs before God (Prayer), teaching God's Word to them and showing them how to live.  That sounds a lot like what the apostles said in Acts 6 when deacons were chosen.  The apostles said, "we must not leave our duties of the Word of God and Prayer to get involved in the day to day affairs of life."

The lesson to be learned here are obvious, "share the work"!  Now, that doesn't mean you share it with just anyone but those you choose and I might add train.  Later Moses had problems with the ones he chose but there is a case to be made that the problems stemmed from his choices and a lack of training to get them on the same page as he.  Never rush in choosing leaders with whom you may share the load.  Haste makes waste!  Almost all leadership problems seem to come out of quickly chosen and ill prepared leaders.  Certainly even leaders who start out good can go bad beyond our control, none the less nothing is more important in leadership than choosing and training.

Consider taking a John the Baptist posture here as you seek to "decrease so they may increase".  The result will be expansion and success!  Share the Work!